Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
