My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize