I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
