You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
