it wasn't lemon gatorade
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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