Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
