when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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