My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
