He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
whose parrot is this?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
