this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
