Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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