Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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