ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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