Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
