Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
