I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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