the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When are your genitals available?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
