This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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