I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
