how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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