Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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