hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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