I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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