This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
