Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
