If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize