Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
