mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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