I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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