your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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