My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
