I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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