did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
