I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
