Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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