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After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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