Swine flu. Run for my life!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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