whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Farmville is her only friend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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