WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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