Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
