I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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