My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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