How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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