Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
