I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
