this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
