You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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