he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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