I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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