Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you win again, gameday.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
