There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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