i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
