"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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