Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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