Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
