I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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