You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
