Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
