Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
