What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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